We were putting away all of the decorations from Christmas when suddenly…we heard a loud crash.

It seems that Pedro the Christmas turkey, (who does a nice rendition of Feliz Navidad), distraught that Christmas was over, flung himself from the shelf where he was perched all through the holidays, and had a temper tantrum.

I won’t go back in the box!

I’m not listening! I SAID NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Well, alright.  But only if I can take some leftover candy canes with me.  And some rum balls. And that cute little angel on the top of the tree.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

The word “awesomeness”, which isn’t a word according to the dictionary, absolutely should be.

The word does appear in the Urban Dictionary…and let’s not forget, I did come from Queens, NY so that’s probably where I picked it up. Those streets in South Ozone Park can be rough and some of the language…whoa!!

Anyway, it might not be a bona fide word according to Merriam-Webster, but I think it should be. The awesomeness of a sunset….the awesomeness of witnessing a birth….the awesomeness of my kids and grandkids….the awesomeness of the Grand Canyon…the awesomeness of God.

New words are being added to the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary as I type this. So one has to ask… how DOES a new word get into the dictionary? The answer is simple: USAGE! Apparently the editors of the dictionary read all kinds of publications – books, magazines, news articles – searching for contemporary words. Once a potential word is found, it is stored in the computer system as a “citation”. The word makes the jump from the citation area to the dictionary by having enough citations to show it is widely used. According to John Morse, president of the Springfield, Massachusetts based dictionary publisher, “A word has to be more than a flash-in-the-pan. It has to have staying power”.

This year, some new words that made it to Merriam-Webster so far this year are magnetic fishing, dawn chorus, sponcon, yeet, yanky, and adorkable (awwww…).

So here’s the deal. Start using the word “awesomeness” in your everyday interactions with people. Maybe in the year 2030 it will make it to the pages of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.

And in actuality, “awesomeness” is used in an article by Umair Hague from Harvard Business Publishing, a subsidiary of Harvard University, entitled “The Awesomeness Manifesto” written September 16, 2009. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that Mr. Hague was referring to my blog!!

The women from Gotopless.org decided that men shouldn’t be the only ones allowed to strut their bare chests and have all the fun.  So they staged a nationwide demonstration a few years ago for the right to go topless….and their bosom buddies from Asheville, North Carolina were right there joining the protest and proudly baring their breasts.  “It isn’t against the law in North Carolina for women to walk around topless since the law only bans indecent exposure from the waist down,” said Wally Welch, a spokesperson for the Asheville police.

Livienne Love (really???? Livienne Love???), the local protest organizer was quoted as saying, “We just want to raise awareness about this inequality”.

The event planning committee, however, didn’t take into account that the Gateway Christian Community Church would be holding their Sunday services at the same time the topless demonstration was to take place.  “They’ll be some distance apart,” said Jon Fillman, the city’s outdoor special events coordinator.  And a spokesperson from the church added that if necessary, “they’ll completely turn their event so they’re facing the other direction.”

Wouldn’t it be a hooter (pun intended) if the Bible reading today was from Psalms 119…”Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things…”  And, if it wasn’t, you can bet your sweet cupcakes those Christian men were on their knees praying it!!

Today the phone rang and my caller ID said “Dr. Chuck Noonan”.  I don’t know any doctor named Chuck Noonan, but since I had just been for some routine lab tests, I answered, thinking it might be someone from the lab.

I picked up the phone and a cheerful voice announced “Dr. Chuck Noonan calling!”

When I didn’t answer right away he went on to say…”Uh..the veterinarian!”

It is always tempting to mess with a wrong number caller and say something rather glib…but I never do.

I should have said, “Are you located next door to the taxidermist?  Because either way…I’d get my parrot back!”

I’m just saying…

When we lived in North Carolina, we decided we wanted to clean our rugs…but didn’t want to borrow a rug cleaning machine from the food store.  Visions of roaches and bedbugs lurking inside the holding tank of a rented machine convinced me to wait until we were back in Connecticut and could bring our own rug cleaner back.

It’s amazing how quickly you throw all cares to the wind and sprint to the food store to pick up whatever freakin’ rug cleaning machine that might be available…bed bugs be damned…when a full glass of red wine spills all over your beige carpet!!  It was a good thing that it was me who spilled the wine instead of a guest…because when a guest spills something, you always just stand there nonchalantly, smile sweetly and say, “No worries.  We’ll just mop that up in a jiffy!”…when you really want to scream, “Holy Mother of God…where is Stanley Steamer the Carpet Cleaner!!!!!!”

After the initial heart stopping paralysis wore off as we watched in disbelief the Cabernet turning our ecru carpet a lovely shade of burgundy, we flew to our rug cleaning arsenal:  Paper towels, club soda and the miracle stain remover, Ultra Pink.  We sopped up as much wine as we could…and then sprayed the miracle cleaner all over, which turned out to be not so miraculous on red wine.  It turned the stains Prussian blue.  (And in case you are unfamiliar with the color Prussian blue, it’s decorator talk for Smurf!) YIKES!!!!

We raced to the food store and….enter the Rug Doctor!!!!  What a wonderful machine!  We not only cleaned up the red wine mess…but went on to clean our bedroom, hall and bathroom rugs.  It did a wonderful job and after close inspection…I am pleased to say, no bed bugs or roaches were seen in the clean up effort.  And everything smells wonderful!

Afterwards, we decided to pour ourselves a glass of wine.

We’re seriously thinking of switching to Chardonnay.

The Mayo Clinic had an article the other day on snoring.  They suggested the following: 

1. Sleep on your side to help prevent snoring.  Lying on your back allows your tongue to fall backward into your throat, which narrows your airway and partially obstructs airflow.

      2. To stay off your back, try sleeping in a tight fitting T-shirt with a tennis ball sewn or attached to the back.  This uncomfortable trick will remind you to roll over.

      3. Raise up the head of your bed by about four inches.

Personally, I think a well placed pillow over the snorer works best!

Allan and I are always saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere, so we might as well pour a glass of wine.” And we do. But now I’m beginning to think we might have a problem. A magazine article that I was reading the other day cited a statistic concerning wine consumption in the United States and it was pretty scary. According to the Wine Market Council, the average person consumes almost three gallons of wine in a year.

Even though we knew the calculations wouldn’t be good…we did the math and our worst fears were realized. We can easily down one gallon of Cabernet in a MONTH, and that’s not taking into consideration the nights we are with friends when the evening tally can go up exponentially!!

Those Wine Council statistics are so unbelievable…I think I might have to pour myself another glass.

Allan and I have been going through our clothes and putting aside the ones that don’t fit anymore.  We pile them in boxes and take them off to Good Will.

Many years ago, I did exactly the same thing only instead of going to Good Will, I dropped them off at one of those clothing drops that usually stand in parking lots. This one happened to be at a local Catholic church and unfortunately, as I dropped the clothing into the box…the car keys that I was holding in my hand, went along for the ride.

Ken, who was about 11 years old at the time, was with me and we ran over to the rectory, hoping to find someone who might have the keys to open the bin.  A priest came to the door and when I told him of my plight he bellowed “OH GOD!!!”

The priest had yelled “Oh God” with such conviction, that I stood there on his doorstep for a few seconds thinking he obviously had an “in” with The Almighty and the door to the clothing bin would miraculously be springing open any second.

No such luck.

The priest said he didn’t have any key and didn’t know what to do.  Ken said “I know what to do, Mom,” and off he ran back to the bin.

Before I knew it, Ken was diving head first into the box.  I got there just in time to prevent losing my car keys AND a child to a clothing drop.  I grabbed his legs and held on while the rest of his body was swallowed up by the bin.  He rummaged around and suddenly I heard the muffled cry “I found them!!!”

The priest was astounded at the cleverness of my son.  I was just thankful that his vaccinations were all up to date.