The news today wasn’t good. It started out with the realization that apparently, I have undiagnosed depression. It seems people who consume copious amounts of chocolate are in reality self-medicating for an underlying despondency. And the more melancholy you are, the more of that heavenly confection you consume. Consuming 11.8 servings a month puts you in the “most depressed” category. Are they kidding? I can consume that much in a DAY! According to their research, it’s amazing I get out of bed each morning. (But it does explain why the Easter Bunny is so happy all the time even though he knows he ranks second to the calendar’s other celebrity – Santa Claus. He’s probably stuffing his face with those chocolate replications of himself all year long…keeping his depression under control.)

And finally, Allan was reading some back issues of AARP and found out that stress can shorten your life. In the “Living Longer” section of the September/October 2006 issue, anything from having many offspring, living in polluted areas and drinking alcohol can shorten your life. I have four kids, lived in New York and love my red wine every night. Given the fact that the lifespan of a parrot is over 100 years, that’s probably one creature I shouldn’t contemplate on purchasing if I ever decide I want another pet. And given the fact that 21 years of my life in New York were in Queens, that daily glass of red wine sometimes turns into an extra dirty Martini and those four kids were boys…I think a goldfish might be out as well.

It’s all so depressing. I think I’ll run down to CVS and see if they have any leftover Easter chocolates that I can wash down with an extra dirty martini.